3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
