I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
