well you can't waste a boner
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
