Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I want a musical about memes.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
