im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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