I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
