you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
