I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
