The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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