If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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