The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
