come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
