2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
