You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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