Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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