sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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