dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
True strength comes from lack of pants
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
