Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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