Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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