At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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