the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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