haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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