Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
