In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
