I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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