i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she peed on how many people?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
