I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
