Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
