Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
