I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
