So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
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