I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
