At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
