Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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