There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
