I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
