I am puke
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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