When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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