So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
