Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
