do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
