dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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