i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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