FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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