we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
