At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
