Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
