I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
