Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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