So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
