No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
